The Ones That Got Away

Look at all those exciting drinks. It’s a veritable treasure trove of knock-off sodas and mysterious new flavors. Some are obvious, Ohana Punch is must the same as Tropical Punch. I can see a Faygo Lemon-Lime. In the bottom photo, that red bottle on the upper right looks to be called “Fuck Rub”. I want some of that. What sort of mysterious beast is Faygo 60/40? And look at the bottom right, Faygo RedPop. Are they making a knock-off of Big Red? My Lord, that’s like making a Mr. Belvedere rip-off.

One day I will return, and I will rent a motel room and buy all these sodas. I will put on a diaper, so I don’t have to get up, and then I will drink them all. Every one. One day. Unless the diabetes gets me first. Then I’ll just drink the diet versions.